


Castamere

by cortchuzska



Series: Dornish wit [6]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Humor, Major characters death spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 12:58:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1470694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cortchuzska/pseuds/cortchuzska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Backstage of Season 4, episode 1</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castamere

##### Scene 1: Tywin Lannister and the director discussing the script.

“I am not a man to forgo details. A really epic background theme is called for.”

The director nods obediently. “Iron Maiden, maybe?”

“ _Maiden.”_ Tywin regales the director with his trademark ice-cold death glare. “Do I look anything alike Sansa Stark?”

“But my Lord... That's heavy metal.”

“Metal? That's Valyrian steel! I hired the best professional from Volantis to reforge Ice and will not let your crew of incompetents ruin my crowning moment of awesome with inadequate music.” He snaps his fingers to his men. “You two, to the recording room.”

_Castamere Rains._

##### Scene 2: HBO boobies time.

Is that the Mereenese knot girl? Well, not _**_ only _**_ boobies time, it would seem.

Producer, grinning widely: “It's been a while since we had some man on man action.”

Wow, that's turning white-hot!

Director: “Now, some fitting ambient music... Whenever you're ready.”

_Castamere Rains._

Oberyn Martell storms to the control room.

“Who is the dickhead that put on the hit? Some Lannister sot to be sure. Can't you think of anything less off-putting? I called for Sinatra with my clearest voice!”

Bronn rubs his fingertips. “HBO won't shell out on Ol' Blue Eyes: royalties are some pretty money... Yet the Bear and the Maiden Fair would be more appropriate by far.”

“Too true. Sort of spoils the mood...” The Dornish Prince complains. “Didn't you get me? Turn that bloody song off !” Oberyn knifes the soundtrack editor to the soundboard.

"Gloomy tune indeed." Tyrion breaks in. “Besides, every time it's on air, someone gets badly hurt.” 

##### Scene 3: Blank screen. HBO go is down.

_Castamere Rains ringtone._

“Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Warden of the West, and Hand of the King speaking.”

Overexcited agent: “Season 4 started with a blast! HBO go crashed within minutes! The greatest success in decades! We are making cablecast history!”

“Lannisters do not care for applause. You dare not convince me. I am not going to sign a fifth time for a bunch of feckless people with a crappy website: they have seen the last of me. I am staying to the season end only because a Lannister always pays his debts.”

**Author's Note:**

> In case you wondered which song Oberyn was referring too...
> 
> #####  [My way;](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E2hYDIFDIU)


End file.
